


guilt comes in threes

by cloudcjty



Category: The X-Files
Genre: F/M, Mentions of Blood, Scully's necklace, and decided not to do unwise things with the sexy lady vampire, mulder copes with his own guilt of scullys disappearance, takes place season 2 episode 7 "3"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:21:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28391580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudcjty/pseuds/cloudcjty
Summary: Mulder didn’t have a reason to feel guilty, other than the churning ache of regret pooling in his abdomen. He felt sick and he stepped forward, closer to Kristen and further from what he had been trained to do. Going against his assignments was something he had done freely before, not worrying about getting hurt and Skinner’s reprimands, but just talking to the very person he was trying to take down prompted him to remember the one person that he worked alongside every day...Or, Mulder comes to terms with his guilt towards Scully's disappearance, and learns that he shouldn't have felt guilty in the first place.
Relationships: Fox Mulder/Dana Scully
Kudos: 7





	guilt comes in threes

**Author's Note:**

> My therapist asked me to write a short-story about my experiences with guilt. I do not think she expected MSR.

He could feel the rock floating in his stomach, not weighing him down, but holding him in place, unable to pass it down and to move forwards. The gold cross that hung on his chest was a constant reminder of the one he had lost, the reason for his guilt in the first place. Kristen knicking his neck earlier that evening had left a stain on the chain, a dull, dark red that wasn’t scrubbing off. 

Mulder didn’t have a reason to feel guilty, other than the churning ache of regret pooling in his abdomen. He felt sick and he stepped forward, closer to Kristen and further from what he had been trained to do. Going against his assignments was something he had done freely before, not worrying about getting hurt and Skinner’s reprimands, but just talking to the very person he was trying to take down prompted him to remember the one person that he worked alongside every day to assure that she wouldn’t fall, that she wouldn’t drown in the work that came with being an agent, that she wouldn’t stumble into the same trap that Mulder had now. 

All that he had of Scully was her necklace and the blame for her disappearance. Or maybe her death, or her kidnapping, or something else entirely. His belief in the otherworldly was something Scully had laughed at before, but even when he confronted her and said that he didn’t know if he could still believe, she encouraged him to keep moving forward. Talking to Duane Berry instead of shooting him on the spot was something she would have urged, to get more details for her case report or to enthuse Berry before she could arrive to help, but with hindsight in action, Mulder knew that Scully’s faith in himself lead to him taking advantage of their partnership. 

Mulder trusted her, more than he trusted anyone else. Not because they had graduated from the academy at the same time, or that they were partners in the X-Files, or that Scully would send him a sly smile in the lab that made his heart split in two just like the cadaver in front of her - Mulder trusted Scully because she believed in him, even though she didn’t believe in aliens. She believed in his work ethic, and she was the only other person on the planet that believed in his determination to bring home his sister. Samantha always came to mind when Mulder was sent solo on his cases, that he wanted to make it home alive in the hopes that he would be one night closer to finding her alive as well, but he found himself thinking of Scully as well, more and more he would think of her face as he was hunched over his desk in the basement office. I want to believe, he chuckled as he would look at his poster. Of course, you want to believe, Scully once said, as she shredded a document that Mulder had filed wrong. It’s the only thing you’re good at. 

Scully was right, all that Mulder was good at doing was believing in his guilt of things out of his control. Of his sister, of the X-Files’ termination, of Scully’s disappearance. Standing in front of Kristen, knowing that he should kill her or knock her off her feet to escape her teeth, Mulder stayed. His conscience was too heavy to take a step backward. Kristen could kill Mulder in that moment, she could slice his neck once more, except not on accident, could take away Scully’s necklace that he wore, and could turn him into a creature of the night. Mulder stayed put, as the thoughts of Scully struggling and being abducted were louder than his own screams would become if Kristen were to try anything. 

If he had shot Duane Berry, Scully would be safe. Scully would be in Los Angeles beside him, in a hotel room adjacent to his own, typing away on her clunky portable laptop theories about vampires, using the evidence to let Mulder know that vampires weren’t real. Just like aliens weren’t real, just like Scully being taken by Berry and taken by aliens and tortured and kidnapped and presumed dead wouldn’t be real. Mulder didn’t have posteriori, and if he had, he wouldn’t have led Berry on, he wouldn’t have let him run away free. 

There was no way Mulder could have known that Berry would have taken Scully, there was no way to know that he would feel guilty, and in that, there was no way to fight against that guilt. It wasn’t his fault that Berry had run to Scully’s home, Mulder didn’t know that Berry would have interrupted their call, but it was his own fault that he felt guilty. He had a pang of guilt he couldn’t shake, and there in the darkness, with Kristen tilting her neck to sink into his own, Mulder finally ran backward, drawing his gun from his belt. Because Scully would feel guilty too, if she came back and found out Mulder had died from the kiss of a vampire. She’d feel guilty for fostering his beliefs in the paranormal. Mulder knew what guilt was, and he knew was love was too, and if he would die before Scully, she’d learn those emotions as well. 

His guilt was much less heavy than the necklace on his chest was.


End file.
